What's on Your Bookshelf?
“What’s On Your Bookshelf” is a personal and professional growth podcast exploring the intersections of passion, potential, and purpose - featuring multi-certified coach and leadership development consultant Denise R. Russo alongside Sam Powell, Zach Elliott, Tom Schweizer, Dennis LaRue, and Michelle King.
What's on Your Bookshelf?
94 - Intentional Living - Doing Something That Makes a Difference
Have you ever wondered how a simple act of gratitude can transform your relationships? Join Denise Russo and Samantha Powell as they share powerful personal stories and discuss intentional living inspired by John Maxwell's "Intentional Living." Denise unveils the touching experience of writing heartfelt letters to her children, emphasizing how acknowledging the contributions of others brings profound changes. Samantha highlights the concept of "bids for connection," a term coined by the Gottman Institute, and how responding to these bids can deepen our relationships and enrich our lives.
Imagine the impact of being fully present in our fast-paced, distraction-filled world. Denise recounts a moment with her son that provided a critical lesson in the power of intentional listening. When he wanted to share a TikTok video and she initially dismissed him, Denise learned the importance of truly engaging with loved ones. Samantha echoes this sentiment through his own experiences, showing how simple acts of attentiveness can strengthen emotional bonds. Together, they explore ways to create deeper connections and the significance of valuing ourselves and others.
The journey to a more meaningful life starts with purposeful living. We discuss how to elevate our lives from mere success to true significance by identifying and pursuing greater meaning. Denise and Samantha share practical insights on making a difference, not just for oneself but for the people who make a difference in our lives. As we wrap up, we express our gratitude for our listeners and give a sneak peek into the exciting topics lined up for future episodes. Join us as we embark on this inspiring journey towards intentional and impactful living.
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Welcome to what's on your Bookshelf with your hosts Denise Russo and Samantha Powell. Hi everyone, welcome back. It's another episode of what's on your Bookshelf. This is our life and leadership podcast, where we are living out loud the pages of the books on our bookshelves. My name is Denise Russo and I'm here today with my friend, sam Powell, and we're going through one of my favorite books. It's a book by John Maxwell called Intentional Living, and so in this book, there are four main areas to the way this book is laid out. We talked about it a little bit last time, but maybe, sam, before we get started, do you want to share about where we've come from and where we're going today? Sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we talked about just the first couple chapters are like the introduction to the concept of you know, your life can be a great story, and intentions aren't enough. You have to really step into action, right? So when we talk about intentional living, we're talking about the fact that you're doing something, and so then the book is broken down into four parts, and last time we talked about finding something where you, I want to make a difference. So, starting small but really believing big, and searching until you find your why, your purpose, what is that driving force? But taking action, right, getting started is the most important thing, and today we're transitioning into doing something that makes a difference, right? So I want to make a difference, doing something that makes a difference, and the way John lays that out in these two chapters is, first, to put other people first and second, to add value to others from your sweet spot. So if you want to do something that makes a difference, those are kind of the two big topics that we'll be talking about today.
Speaker 1:So, as we start the first part, I'm curious if you can think about Sam, somebody who has really helped you recently with something, either personally or professionally. Like, can you think of somebody? Yeah, definitely, it's easy to think of somebody. Has there been somebody in your life that maybe has intentionally not helped you with something?
Speaker 2:I don't know about intentionally not helped me with something Like. I don't think I have that many like nefarious folks hanging out in my life at the moment, which is probably a blessing, um, but I mean, there's definitely times where, like unintentionally, people have not been helpful, right or been harmful in a way.
Speaker 1:Well, here's what's funny about that. Without hesitation, you said I know somebody that has helped me do something. It's because we remember those things, yeah Right. And so one of the things that John suggests in this section, as you're living out loud is to take the time to think about who's helped you in your life and then really make a gratitude list. And when I first read this book, I did that, and I, it says, start with 10 people, but don't limit yourself to 10 if you can think of more. But I limited myself in this regard. John's instructions were for each person whose name you put on the list, write how the person has helped you and why it's been important to you. And I did it. I created the list and I did that, but I didn't do the second piece, which was the follow-up to tell the people. And so I was.
Speaker 1:I think I shared this in one of the early episodes that I walked through this book with my kids, and at the time they were in elementary school and I remember going through an exercise with both the kids to in this section where we were listing out people that had done something nice for us, and they were the ones in their innocence and their childhood and their loving minds that said, well, when is the last time you told the person? So I think for me, this chapter hit me to think about. Okay, am I grateful for people that have helped me through life? Absolutely, but when's the last time I shared that with them and told them? And so one of the things that I did and it's maybe something that you could do if you're listening is I wrote both of my kids like a love letter and I can recall it almost as if it happened just yesterday, and my kids are both in college now and this was in while they were in elementary school.
Speaker 1:I can even see the way they were sitting on a couch in a house I don't even live in anymore, and I handed them the letters and I asked them to read them while I sat there and it was the most special, emotional, loving time because I was sharing with them what I appreciated about them. And you think sometimes, as a mom maybe, that you know your family knows that you care about them and appreciate them, or as a spouse, or as a friend, or as a sister or a daughter about them and appreciate them, or as a spouse, or as a friend or as a sister or a daughter. But there's something different when you say it out loud and I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was one of the most special times that I've had with my kids yeah, I love that.
Speaker 2:That's um I, and I think that that, like that, is when you think about, right, this chapter is about putting people. The first part of this section is about putting people. The first part of this section is about putting people, putting other people first, and I think that that what you're saying is like a way in which we do that. That is very significant, right, like letting people know that they matter to us, right, that the actions that they take really truly do matter. And one of the quotes that he's got in here and kind of in the beginning of this is from publisher Malcolm Forbes, and he says people who matter most are aware that everyone else does too. And I think what you're talking about is like like you brought that awareness by going through the exercise, so, taking it that step further of like letting them know that they matter, right, like that's where I don't know, that's where the spark starts, the fire starts, the you know, those are the words that people carry with them through their life, right, those are the things that can shape somebody to be that best version of themselves that you're seeing and appreciating in them. So, yeah, that's it's a great exercise and I think it's a it's a good thing to do somewhat regularly, right, like, even if it's just once a year, where you take a moment and you know you tell people more frequently would be better. But like right, even if it's just that, like I don't know, take a minute to be grateful for you know what other people are doing in your life because you can't like, right.
Speaker 2:John's whole argument is that you can't get to a life of significance without putting people first. Right. Self-centered people do not reach significance is really what he's, what he's teaching us in this. You know, in this section of you know, if you want to do something that matters, you have to put other people of. You know, if you want to do something that matters, you have to put other people first. Right, you have to build that community. You have to, you know, really become intentional about getting beyond ourselves is what he says, and I think that's such a like. This is such an easy exercise of a way to to do that right, to recognize and then to let people know. That's like, that's such a gift.
Speaker 1:I wonder if it's like the difference between doing and being also so. I can recall a time a few years ago, I was just brought into a new role at work and it was a very volatile time. There was a significant transformation. People were unhappy and felt uncared for, confused, disoriented and not listened to, and I recall having an experience with this one person from a different country, and the person was very angry, and when we were having the conversation, I think that his expectation initially was I was just gonna come to the call and tell him what to do. This is who I am, this is what I expect, this is what you're to do. I think that's what he thought, and I remember having the conversation to try to almost diffuse this bomb of a conversation. I mean, he was super upset, super upset. In fact, I can tell you that I don't think of any of the employees I've ever worked with or for over my career there was somebody as really hurt and upset as this person.
Speaker 1:And so there's the doing part, but what I thought was going to be more important was this being part, and so I just shared with him that I wanted to listen to what he had to say, and at first he was thrown off guard because you know, you have to build trust with people and John says people won't go along with you if they don't get along with you. And so I knew I couldn't go to the conversation and just tell the person what to do, that we needed to first understand who are we and what do we want to become as a team, as a individual, whatever. And so that one conversation lent itself to becoming many conversations over time, to where that person was almost like you ever think about these television shows where there's like a really naughty kid in the back of a room in a classroom and he's acting out, but the teacher shows him a little bit of care and love and eventually that kid turns around to be like the best helper to the teacher. It's almost like that's what happened. And in this case this person, who was very upset and angry at a lot of things, and legitimately so, ended up being the person that gave me the most solid, good, important content that helped me work through a really challenging time.
Speaker 1:And so when I was thinking about this section in the book of shifting from success to significance, it got me thinking about in business. If all you are doing in business is climbing a ladder by the time you get to the top. If you're there by yourself, it's a really long fall down, and so significance in a life of significance means putting other people first, listening, taking the time, even if it's something that you would feel like you already have a solution to, or if it's something that you maybe even disagree with. But if you don't give people the space to be who they are and how they think, then it's really hard to be able to form a team.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely, and what you're saying reminds me of like. So John talks about like, how to begin about thinking about others first, and he gives us some like numbered steps, because that's what he does, which is lovely. But he's got five things. But the very first thing is to develop a greater appreciation for others.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I think that, and that you know. And the second thing is asking to hear other people's stories. So, between those two things, that kind of reminds me of, like, how you approach the situation, right, like it wasn't let me come in and tell you what to do and let's you know, push forward and do whatever it's. Let me sit down and listen to what's happening with you. And he's got a quote, especially in the asking to hear other people's stories, from Fred Rogers, from Mr Rogers neighborhood, of there isn't anyone you couldn't learn to love once you've heard their story. And, like, to me, that's one of the most true things I've like since I read this part of this book, I like that's just been living around free in my head because I think it's just one of the most true things about people is, if you really sit down and you develop a great appreciation for people and you listen to their stories, like it really can significantly change your perspective.
Speaker 2:It changes how you show up to the day, it changes how you show up to a conversation, to your life, and I like and your story reminds me of that, right, like it was that that little bit of shift of let me listen to you first, right, let me hear why you've got such frustration, why you're feeling the way that you're doing.
Speaker 2:Right, because now we've got a place to work from. Right now I've got a place of empathy I can sit in, which I think it's one of the most important things that leaders have to have is just an understanding and, like these first two kind of steps, he gives us, gives you that, and then he goes on to talk about putting yourself in people's shoes, right like, once you've developed just general appreciation for people, once you've listened to individual stories, then can you step in in that empathetic way into the lives of those people. What would it be like if you were to experience those things right like, can you sit in that space? And you know, I think that as you're doing that, that's really how you do like, to me, that doesn't help you move towards more significant actions intentionally.
Speaker 1:I really failed at something here this week. So I'm going to point it out because I think we all can learn from other people's stumbles sometimes. And there's this fourth one where he says place other people's interests at the top of your list of priorities. I totally failed at this this week. So I was busy doing whatever laundry, cleaning the kitchen, picking up after my son, who throws all of his clothes all over the place, doing something. That just was busy.
Speaker 1:And Vincent, my son, who I adore. He's my most favorite human being aside from my daughter that walks on the face of the earth, so you would imagine that I would always put his interests at the top of my priorities. I just told a story about writing him a love letter. Well, this particular day, he was showing me one of I don't know hundreds of TikTok videos that he continues to want to show me when I'm in the middle of doing something else. I mean, I think we've all experienced this right when people interrupt our space at certain times, whether it's at work or at home, and I was in the middle of doing something that my focus was on and he just so desperately wanted to show me this video, which maybe was 10 seconds long and I didn't prioritize it. So then he said to me sit down and please just watch this video.
Speaker 1:Now the video. Mind you, I had zero interest in the content of it or what was being said, but it mattered to him. So I sat down and watched it. But I was. It was like my eyes were watching it, sam, but I don't think I paid attention to anything because my brain was thinking about the thing he just made me stop doing. And I remember with clarity what he said to me was first, he said what was the video about, and he kind of said it in a little sarcastic way, but it was like yeah, and I shamefully said I don't know.
Speaker 1:I really I don't know. But the next thing I did was I said all right was. I said all right, phone is down, tv is off, push play again. And I watched it this next time and I could see his entire demeanor change from being that he felt hurt that I didn't take the time to listen to him or listen to his video. But when I did do it the second time around, we actually had a good conversation afterwards and he was sharing with me, not about the video, but sharing with me about how important it is for him his love language.
Speaker 1:I guess that I 100% focus on him when he needs me, even if the thing he needed was not important to me, right? And I felt so bad and then good after doing that with him because it was something that I wasn't winning at. And so John talks about the next part in here, about make winning a group activity, and in that moment I was totally losing. And so I'm glad that my son was wise enough in his young age to say sit down, put your phone to the side, forget the laundry, just sit here with me. And it was very emotional because he's leaving in two weeks to go back to college, and I don't want him to. I mean, I want him to, but I don't want him to. Yeah, so that's what got me here was that I knew that I messed that one up, and so the best part about this book and then I'll pass it over to Sam is like you're not going to be good at all this stuff all the time. This takes intention.
Speaker 2:That's why the name of the book is Intentional Living Right, right, yeah, I actually had a very similar situation with my son last night, like same kind of thing. He's trying to tell me something that I'm like not focused on, but the Gottman Institute, which is focused on like relationships, marriage, um, specifically, and there's some great books in there, um, that they've got, but, um, you know it's. This is bids for connection, right, when people throw this out, and so it's like you're talking about other people's interests, like when they're trying to tell you about something they're excited about and they're trying to like it's a bid for you to say, hey, connect with me, hey, listen to me. And if you're wanting to lead an intentional life that gets you to a place of significance right, gets you beyond survival, beyond success, into this significant world, you have to respond to those bids for connection. You have to allow for that space to develop, and we do. And especially, like in today's world, you know, where there's 500 distractions and there's, like last night, my son was trying to tell me something or this is where I messed up too like he was trying to tell me about random videos he'd seen on the internet. Same thing, right, and this is like videos that a nine-year-old's looking at on topics that I personally couldn't care less about. I was watching the Olympics, because we're we're recording way in advance here, because I'm on maternity leave when these actually air, but like we were watching that, I was also reading a book at the same time. Like so I had three.
Speaker 2:My attention was pulled in three different directions and I should have put at least one, if not both, other things down to listen to him, talk to me, because this was his like end of the day, processing all the things he had done, telling me about his moment, like right, and I realized, like part way through, like I was missing it, and because I was missing it, right, like I was hurting the connection that I had with him, because it wasn't, you know, taking the time. And I just I think that that's so common in our world today, cause it's like we're so busy, we're so rushed, we're pulled in a thousand directions and then and then we miss the things that are actually really important, which is other people. And so I think if you do what John says in this first part of this section is putting other people first, then your actions become things like oh, if you're talking to me, I put my phone down, right, like I do, I physically flip it over so that I can look you in the eye and have a conversation. Right, like I do the things to to move towards you, to put you ahead of whatever I'm you know I'm currently doing in that, you know, in that moment.
Speaker 2:And then I think that that leads us, like, to the next second half of this section, which is adding value to others from your sweet spot. Right, like, we've all got things that are really great that we bring to the table. Right, and you know, and knowing that, hey, if I'm putting other people first, I can use these gifts that I have, these things that I'm really good at to serve other people. Right, like it's you know he talks about like, instead of making a difference for other people, I'll make a difference with other people. Right, using the things that I've got intentionally adding value to other people.
Speaker 1:He gives us another list, like he did in that last part of the chapter, and so he gives us the five essential values of adding value to others, of adding value to others. So, just real quickly, what he says is that number one to add value to others, I must first value myself. And so when you think about the person that you are, the person that you want to be, are those things congruent, and how do you want to spend the rest of your life? So that was the first part.
Speaker 2:Then he talks about and I like I that one I think people skip right Like so bad, like this one. I like I really sat in this section for a second because and the thing that got me was he said at the very end of it is you know you truly value yourself when, each day, you silently affirm that you are the type of person with whom you would like to spend the rest of your life. I highlighted that part too, and I think we miss this all the time. Right, when we think about others, we try to start with others. But if you don't fix your own house first right, this is if you have an empty cup you can't pour from it. Right, like this is if I haven't valued myself first and foremost, how can I ever get to a place where I value you? Right?
Speaker 2:yes and like I just like, so I wanted to stop before we go there because the others are really good, but like I really want people to think about that for a moment. Right, like I really want people to understand that like you've got to be someone you want to spend the rest of your life with happily, like right, like you're your own soulmate right, you are, you're it at the end of the day and you have to value yourself first so that you can show up for other people, right?
Speaker 2:it's like they always say, like you have to show up into like a romantic relationship as a whole person. You can't be looking for the other half of whatever, like you're not missing anything. You're a whole being and you've got to value yourself in that space If you're wanting to try to value other people at all. You don't. You don't have a starting line if you don't start there, and I just think that that's so, so, so important and we miss it all the time.
Speaker 1:I think it's important, then, to just reread this part, because I highlighted that same sentence, but I circled the word are. And so what he says again as you're listening to this show with us today, is that you know you truly value yourself each day when you silently affirm that you are the type of person with whom you like to spend the rest of your life. He ends that paragraph by saying if you don't feel that, then you have work to do, and the great news is is this book can help you get there, but you have to. In order to have change, something has to change.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I like that. You circled the word are right, it's not a future thing and right and all the stuff we've learned about happiness. Right, it's bringing it into the present and it's bringing that self value into today. Right, like it's not that I'm becoming the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, it's that I am exactly how I am good, bad, ugly, all the things in between. I ain't like. I love that emphasis on like I. I am that today. Right, I are like. Right, that's just that's. I think that's a really important. I like that. I just think that's a very important thing. It's like you, right now, as you are, are, are great, are valuable, are, are a good version of yourself. Can you be better? Sure, but like it doesn't matter if you're closing your eyes at all. You know, before you go to bed tonight, you have to be, be that person.
Speaker 1:You have to value the person that you are and if you are that person, it doesn't mean that you do the rest right either. So there's another part, which is if you value yourself but you don't value other people, then you're missing the point. That's the whole point of this chapter, which is to add value to others. And so the second one he says or teaches, is to add value to others.
Speaker 1:I have to value others, and in order to value others, one of the ways you can do that is the third one, which is if you value what others have done for you. But that's kind of that self centered piece, like you don't just value somebody because they did something for you, you value them for who they are, and they may have done something for you, but they may not have. It's still at the essence of value people just because, in fact, ricardo Gonzalez wrote an awesome book called the Five Stages of Cultural Mastery, and the last stage is called endearment. And endearment means that, regardless if someone has done something for you or didn't do something for you, life isn't about quid pro quo, it's about being endeared to someone because they deserve to be valued. Yeah, yeah For six stages, because they deserve to be valued.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, for six stages. Sorry, I messed it up. Six, that's the sixth stage. I don't know why I said five, that's the sixth stage. Six stages of culture mastery.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I love that right. And I think that goes back to the other part, like the thing we talked about earlier. Like if you know somebody's story that's the Fred Rogers quote, right Like you can't help but love someone if you know their story. And it's like you can't help but value someone when you know the story of all the triumphs, of all the struggles, of all the things that have gone on in their life. And yeah, and it is, it's not what they've done for you that you necessarily value, it's just who they are that you have to value. And then I think moving into like the what they've done for you is like that gratitude, like it's moving into a space of gratefulness for what people have done for me. And I think of that. Like thinking in that space and we know that from all of our happiness exercises, because it came up in every single book is that that allows you to, I think, see beyond yourself, right, it helps you get into a mental space where it's like you really do see the world, in a space that is positive. That is in this happiness vibe of if I can appreciate what you've done for me, I can value what you've done for me, I can recognize it more and then happier, right, because I'm recognizing all these things that are you know, that are happening to me, and then he says to.
Speaker 2:For the number four is that you have to know and relate to what others value, right, so not only what they've done for you, but what they care about. What do they want? If you're serving someone else, you have to know what they think is most important, right? It's like that was one of the things I learned in the business world of like the what's in it for me is what you had to focus on when you were giving somebody a presentation or you're trying to solve a customer problem or doing whatever it's like. Well, what do they want, right? What do they value in their life, what are the things that are important to them? And then let me go help you with that thing. That is how I serve you, right? That's how I help you from. My sweet spot is, if I know you want X and I do A and B to get us there, then I can, you know, then I have a place to really really help you from, and I love that. He ended the five of these on.
Speaker 2:You have to make yourself more valuable if you're right and I love that it begins and ends with you. You have to value yourself was number one, but you have to make yourself more valuable as number five right, that's the growth aspect is you have to, as you are, think that you're great, think that you're wonderful, but you also have to understand that we're always growing and both of those things are true and they are the end cap on valuing other people and I like I love that. I thought that was very beautiful and like the way that was pieced together.
Speaker 1:I love it as well, and I know we're almost out of time, so I want to encourage you as listeners to check out not just this chapter but this whole book, because he goes on to share in this part of the chapter that in order for you to investigate the value that you give and the value of who you are, you have to look backwards, look inward and look forward, and there's some really great content in here about how you actually do that.
Speaker 1:And then he culminates this chapter by talking about something called identifying your sweet spot, which is really looking at the holistic self of who you are like. What is your signature story? In fact, sam and I created an entire retreat around this idea called your signature story, which is who really are you, what do you want in life, what kind of a difference can you make in life, what's your passions in life, what's your potential that can elevate those passions, and what really is the purpose for living. And if you don't really know what those things are, this book can help. Going to a retreat can help, getting a coach can help, but none of it will resolve for you if you don't take the intentional application internally to make change in your life to be something different than perhaps you are today.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, I agree with you and I think, like, as he wraps up all these chapters so nicely with application, like how to go do this? And the two big things he's asking you at the end of this are what do you have to offer? And that's the thing that you were just talking about, and what do you feel you were made to do? Right, and it's that what is your sweet spot. What is the thing that you have to give to this world and to other people? Because that's where significant lies when you're using your strengths, your gifts, the things that you're really good at, to serve other people in a significant way. And so, yeah, it's um, this is a great book for people who are really wanting to feel like they are.
Speaker 2:We're about halfway through, a little over halfway through it now, um, yeah, for people who really feel like they are, I don't know like have a good life or just like you know, like he calls it, like success is kind of his middle ladder. It's like you're surviving, your success, your significance, we feel like I've got success in my life and areas, but like just there's something greater, there's something bigger, there's something more like this really does very practically walk you through ways to think about that and I don't know, I love the perspective it kind of gives me as on like my own thoughts, as we, as we're working through this, so excited about excited about that. So this section was all about doing something that makes a difference. Right, so we have talked about I want to make a difference, doing something that makes a difference, and so what about next time?
Speaker 1:So next time we get to do something that I get to do with you every week, which is making a difference, with people who make a difference. So I'm so grateful that I get to do this with you every single week. I'm grateful to every person that listens to our show and shares it with others. So next week, we're going to talk about doing something that makes a difference, but with people who make a difference, and that'll be the topic.
Speaker 1:If you've been listening in and you're getting value from this, the next episode might not be next week. It might be tomorrow, because I think we're condensing these episodes to get us close to the end of the year. So stay tuned, and the only way to know when the next episode comes out is if you're subscribing to our podcast, because you'll get an automatic alert to the next episode. So just know that we will get through the end of this book before the end of this calendar year, and we have a really great lineup planned for next year as well, which we'll talk about in a couple of episodes from now. But for today, my name is Denise Russo and, on behalf of my friend, sam Powell, this has been another episode of what's on your Bookshelf.