What's on Your Bookshelf?
“What’s On Your Bookshelf” is a personal and professional growth podcast exploring the intersections of passion, potential, and purpose - featuring multi-certified coach and leadership development consultant Denise R. Russo alongside Sam Powell, Zach Elliott, Tom Schweizer, Dennis LaRue, and Michelle King.
What's on Your Bookshelf?
128 UnF Yourself: Breaking Free from Self-Sabotage
We dive into Chapter 3 of "Un**** Yourself" by Gary John Bishop, exploring the concept that we are all "wired to win" - sometimes at things we don't consciously want.
• 95% of our daily actions are controlled by our subconscious mind
• Your brain is constantly pushing you toward goals, even when you don't realize what those goals are
• We can be "winning" at negative behaviors or situations like unhealthy relationships or unfulfilling jobs
• Running away from something shouldn't be the path - instead, run toward where you want to be
• Breaking down large goals into small, manageable steps makes them achievable
• Identifying and addressing the limits to your potential is crucial for growth
• The quality of your thoughts determines the happiness of your life
• Understanding yourself and your personal constraints creates space for freedom and success
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Welcome to what's on your Bookshelf, a life and leadership podcast where we live out loud the pages of the books that are on our shelves, with your host, denise Russo, and Sam Powell.
Speaker 2:Hi everyone, welcome back to another episode of what's on your Bookshelf. This is our life and leadership podcast, where we're living out loud the pages of the books that are on our bookshelves. My name is Denise Russo. I'm here with my friend and co-host, sam Powell. We're in the middle of a book Well, not even in the middle. We're at the beginnings of a book that has a really interesting title that we would be censored for sharing on this recording, but it's called On F Yourself, getting Out of your Head and Into your Life, by Gary John Bishop. Sam, I'm looking forward to talking with you today, as I continue to on F myself.
Speaker 1:I'm looking forward to it too. It's funny. I was talking to my grandma last week and you know she's, I think, one of our biggest fans of our podcast and listens to it all. It's funny. I was talking to my grandma last week and you know she's, I think, one of our biggest fans of our podcast and listens to it all the time. But she was catching up on some of our episodes for the last book and I said, oh, we actually just started recording the next book and I told her the title of this and she giggled. She was like oh, that's she goes, that's attention grabbing. I'm like, yeah, it really is.
Speaker 2:Yes, it is, which got our attention, which is why we picked this book. So today we're into chapter three. Before we get into chapter three, do you want to give our listeners in case they're just tuning in a little bit about what this is?
Speaker 1:Yeah. So the subtitle of this book is Get Out of your Head and Into your Life. So this is really all about your self-talk and the way you're sort really like embracing and kind of making part of yourself is his argument, so that you can really get out of your head and into your life. So we had talked about I am willing, and today we're talking about I am wired to win, and today we're talking about I am wired to win. So the last one was all about like I am willing or unwilling to do something or not do something, and this is really about the fact that your brain is subconsciously wired to win in a certain area.
Speaker 1:And the quote that he starts with is the truth of it is you are winning at the life you have. And like I read that because it's like the way these chapters start for everybody who's not actually reading a lot of the book which you should be is like it has the you know quotes I am wired to win. And then there's a quote and then the book starts, and so when I read this quote, I was like, oh, this feels like a trap.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it is you are winning at the life you have and if you take that off of what he had talked about you know previously is that you have the life you're willing to accept and you are winning at the life you are willing to accept is really kind of the basis of this chapter.
Speaker 2:I agree with you because these chapter titles sound super positive and empowering and the reality is is that if you read this chapter, my friends, you might be mad or sad, because he's talking about you could be winning at losing, like if you're losing in your relationships, or you're losing in your quality of life at work, or you're losing in the things that you really set out to do in life that aren't manifesting. That's still winning, because you're winning at losing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's know. He said the truth of it is you're winning at the life you have, and then you say, what if I don't want this life? Fine, but this is the one you're currently winning at. And it's like, oh, it's just one of those things that, like I had to sit and think about it for a minute and go dang it, it's not wrong. Like he. Like he's really not wrong. Like right, like I am winning at all the things that I'm willing to commit myself to and I'm, and whether that's a positive thing or a negative thing. Like that's kind of his. Well, I think he says that somewhere in here like you can win at really bad things. Like I am the best at sitting on my couch instead of working out, right. Like I am the best at eating the thing that I want versus the thing that I should, right. Like you can really win at stuff that is negative. It's just one of those things where I was like, dang I, just I don't. I've never thought of winning in this context, but he's not wrong.
Speaker 2:We think about. Have you ever known somebody, Sam, who sets out to have an argument, whether it's at work or with a customer or with a personal relationship, and sets out to win the argument? And maybe you do, but at what cost? I think that's the point is what's the cost of winning the thing you're winning?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's a great, that's a great call out and they talk about that a lot with like relationships, especially in like partnership, romantic partnerships. Right Is like you're okay, you won the argument, but you lost the person's respect. You lost, you know, you damaged the relationship in the process of winning. Yeah, and so, yeah, you're right. I guess there are other ways that, like we, you can win in a negative, in a negative way, go ahead. Oh, I was gonna say I thought it was just so interesting he talks about you know that, really we're.
Speaker 1:Uh, I think he says that it's like 95 percent of what we do in our day-to-day life it's controlled by our subconscious. And when we think about that, and I think about like the trajectory, like it harkens me back to atomic habits, um, really of like, right, you should be far more concerned with your trajectory than your current results. And so it's like if, if our subconscious which, like I feel like we did learn that a lot in atomic habits, right, it's those automatic movements, it's those things that, like I just default to do this instead of that right, like you know, I reach for, you know, the chocolate after I have chips, type of a thing that, if there really is that much of our subconscious sort of driving us. It's like are we? We're always on a trajectory to win? I think it's his argument. But it's like what are you? What trajectory are you winning? Like, what's the what's the end result of this game? You're, you happen to be playing.
Speaker 2:One of the things that stood out to me that was, at least I would say we could pull out some positivity to it is you may be somebody who really, right now, is unhappy with your job, or you may be somebody right now that's really unhappy in a personal relationship, but what I took from it was that there was a point in your experience with said job or said person that was positive, and so he makes this point to talk about how, yeah, you might be right now in life, right now, unhappy, unfulfilled, your purpose isn't full of passion and potential and excitement, but there was a time when it was, and I can recall talking with several different clients. Sam, there are people that are unhappy in their jobs or don't like their boss, or or are trying to grow. Maybe they're happy, but they just want something different. And often I can recall talking with people about can you remember what it was like the first day that you took this job? In fact, when I used to work at AirTran and I was responsible for onboarding the new hires, I would make them a journal before we graduated, what their feelings were like about the excitement about being able to start this new journey and this new career, and on that day everyone was so excited and so filled with energy and encouragement, because I remember saying to them this is more than I don't know, 17 years ago or more that there will come a day when you don't feel that way anymore, and if you have something that can remind you that this day did exist.
Speaker 2:And so in the book, when he's talking about this, I looked at it like all of us have job honeymoons. I could tell you the last job where you and I worked, I was laid off from that job three times and still kept going back. There was a job honeymoon period that every time there were pieces of it that were really awesome, and then there were times that weren't that were really awesome, and then there were times that weren't. And so he says in here that you may look at the situation your job, your personal relationship as a loss, but it was in fact a glorious, resounding win. And if you don't want this life, fine, but it's the one you're currently winning at, which, then means the whole point of this book of on effing yourself, untangling your mess is to acknowledge that there's something that you're experiencing now that you want to change. But if you don't change, then you shouldn't expect it'll change.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's exactly it, right. Like you have to understand that. Like you are succeeding at whatever path you're on, whatever path your decisions every day are putting you on, whether those decisions are conscious or not conscious, right, and his argument is a lot of them is unconscious. Right, and like the time it happens is the same argument, right. Like it's the automatic stuff that we do that rules most of our life. And if you really want to, like he says, get out of your head and into your life here, you've got to recognize that. Like you're saying, like I think that that's really it, and he says that a lot in this book of like you've got to know yourself.
Speaker 1:You've got to, like get in control of you know kind of what things are looking like, instead of just going through the motions and going through the you know the day-to-day Like I always say, like you know your job should feel like you're alive, right. It, like it doesn't necessarily every day have to be the thing you're most passionate about and even like your job doesn't have to necessarily be your passion, as long as your passions are somewhere. Right. Like you know you're doing something that fills you, but like you should feel alive in it, and maybe not every single moment of every single day, but like on the whole, on the trajectory. This is something that's exciting. It's that beginning of the process, energy that you've got to like kind of bring back into gear sometimes. But you've got to be doing something about it, else you're just going to win at this very like complacent space, if you can become consciously aware of the imbalance, then you can fix the imbalance.
Speaker 2:It's sort of like recently in my car. I felt like why is the car sort of shaking while I'm driving a little bit, you know? So I went to the repair person and I said I'm noticing that something is out of balance. I said I'm noticing that something is out of balance. He said well, I'm noticing that your tires have worn treads that are uneven, which means that your car's alignment is out of balance and your tires need to be balanced and they probably need to be replaced, because sometimes we can fix the alignment, but if you still have bad tires on the car, the problem is still going to happen. He said if I put your back tires to your front, tire to your front and your front to the back, it's only a matter of time before your car gets out of balance again. He said what you're going to need to do is you're probably going to need to get an alignment and you're going to need to get new tires. So what that said to me was okay, what? What does that relate to in life? What is out of balance We've talked on numerous episodes about ikigai and the table legs and what is in balance or not, if you like what you're doing, if you're good at what you're doing, if you like the people that you're around, if you're fulfilled with a purpose at what you're doing, and whether that's personally or professionally, any one of those legs out of balance causes a misalignment, and you can either hope that the short leg doesn't cause the table to fall over or that the other legs don't get negatively impacted by this one that's out of balance.
Speaker 2:And so he says in the book our thoughts are so powerful that they're constantly pushing you toward your goals, even when you don't realize what those goals actually are. Your brain is wired to win. And I can't remember what episode it was, sam, but where we were talking about and I think you were sharing, and maybe it was in the happiness series something about we either move towards pleasure or away from pain, and that's the goal. The goal is that you're moving somewhere, moving away from something or moving towards something, and I know that. I've often said to clients that I'm coaching in the career space. If people that are unhappy in their jobs don't run away from your job. Run toward where you want to be, because if you run away from it, the next place is just something else with a different wrapper on it.
Speaker 1:Right, right, yeah, and I think that that's that difference between like being in the passenger seat or the driver's seat, like when you're running away from something unless it's purposeful, right, like this place does not serve me, right? You know, things like that. Like I think that running away from can be the trigger, but it shouldn't be the path.
Speaker 1:The path has to be the running towards the very purposeful. I know what I'm looking for, I know what I want. That's like. I ended up doing that a lot in the career coaching space of like slowing people down. They're like I want a new job and I was like but why do you want a new job? And what does that ultimately? Like you said the thing the problems just follow. You know where they are and I love you know.
Speaker 1:He says in here like whatever domain you're winning in, you'll start to realize something. You're really good at it. It's actually rather impressive in a weird kind of way and I think that like and this is, and then like he then transitions into like you can take control, right, he's like, but if we change our thinking a little, we can use our minds unconquerable nature to act on all the positive goals and dreams we hold for ourselves. We are wired to win. We just have to point ourselves in the positive goals and dreams we hold for ourselves. We are wired to win. We just have to point ourselves in the right direction so that we can win at something we consciously choose. And that's what we're talking about, right? Is that moving from these unconscious wins that maybe aren't the wins we want to, conscious wins and getting on the trajectory that we really do want, and knowing that, like I, have a bias for winning, like I always do, and so I just have to make sure I'm pointed at the right goal.
Speaker 2:I think the point you're making about making sure you know what you really do want is so crucial. I had this one client years ago who was so unhappy with their career that they would come to the sessions in tears, and it was heartbreaking because they would say they didn't want to feel that way. They didn't want that experience. They didn't want to feel basically borderline bullied and harassed at work. They said that, but when it came time to really being brave enough to put action into movement, what ended up happening after and I'm talking like I don't know several months of sessions together, the person decided that what was more important and what they needed not necessarily wanted was they needed their paycheck, they were responsible for being the provider for their home and that if they took actions to leave this unhealthy environment but felt scared that it wouldn't put them in another place, that could help provide for them that it was better to stay in an unhealthy space than to move towards something healthy, and I imagine that can happen also in personal relationships.
Speaker 2:Of course, right, but the book was talking about how the trouble comes when what you really want on a subconscious level is what you say you want are different, sometimes radically so and it immediately made me think of this one client that I just was talking about, because in the end, that client ended up stopping coaching, stayed in the role, reached out to me a year later and said I'm sorry that I haven't reached out to you, but I stayed, and I'm so terribly unhappy and I felt bad that the person literally wasted a year not moving towards something that was better. And it proved the point of this chapter. This person won at something they didn't want because they actually subconsciously knew that they were going to be stuck there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I think that that's really what that is, the acceptance you've got to get to to move yourself out of that headspace and into action. Right, like you have to accept that you are like and he said this earlier like you have to accept you're the cause of your problems. It's you, you're the problem here, it's your thoughts, it's your relationship to the situation, it's your inability to accept that you are winning at the game you are choosing to play. And only once you accept that and decide that you're willing to do more right, like that was the last chapter, like what am I willing to do, then you can get into a space and if you can embrace that, like I'm willing to do something else and that's why he started with willingness you have to be willing or unwilling in some space to then make a change. And then, once you do, you have to realize that, like, you can win. I have a bias for winning at whatever game I choose to play. And you've got to get to that, like, get over that hurdle. And sometimes, like I've seen people do the exact same thing Sometimes getting over that hurdle feels like insurmountable for people. It's a mountain too high. Like that they're just not willing to climb. At the end of the day, they're not willing to take that step until something gets really, really bad, until something shoves them out of it. Mm-hmm, and it's really not that bad.
Speaker 1:And where he goes in this chapter is he talks about really breaking down your goals and really figuring out what it takes to win right. He says we have to start filling our bucket with the right ideas. So you have to ask yourself questions like where do you really like to see progress? What do you really want to accomplish? And then, I love, he talks about take that goal and break it down. What are the exact steps you need to achieve it? And so this is, this is what coaches do every day. This is what you and I do all the time with people. Right Is okay. You're now clear on where you want to go right. You're willing to make a change. And so now that you know you can win, because you have a bias for winning let's break it down to make it possible, because once you break it down into small steps, then it doesn't. You know you could win at this little tiny thing and this little tiny thing Like I do this with career changes all the time People are like, oh, I just can't do it, it's too much work, it's too big of a mountain to climb.
Speaker 1:I haven't updated a resume in a hundred years. I haven't looked for a job since 2002. Like, you know all those kinds of things and it's like, okay, that's great, all true, right, uh-huh. But let's break it down into what are you going to do right now? Right, what's the first step? First step figure out what job you want. Then figure out you know how you can brand yourself for that job. Then go do the rest. Like you don't do all of piece, figure it out really head on. And then that sense of like can I do it, can I not do it? Becomes much easier to figure out and much easier to figure out like, okay, is this the trajectory? And I think what we learned in the last book is, as those obstacles pop up, like, just integrate them right, integrate them into the path.
Speaker 2:I think that, on top of what you're describing as far as getting the goal and being willing, one good exercise could be that you really investigate inside of yourself. It's best to do with a coach, because it's more easy to do it this way is to look at the limits to your potential, and he talks about that in this chapter as well. As far as what are the conclusions or the absolutes that you're maybe not aware of, I can think of a time Sam, months and months ago probably actually more than a year ago you and I were talking about how, as you were setting up your company, there were things that you had to be willing to do that were outside of your comfort zone, like going to the chamber, going to networking events, going to meet with a different, new coach, going to empower yourself with information that would help you build your website. You were willing to. You were not limiting your potential. You were elevating your awareness and your enablement towards those things. You were empowering yourself to get that going for yourself, and it has paid off in so many ways for you to gain new clients and have an awesome website and put out so much amazing content that people can subscribe to to get their own tips.
Speaker 2:But then there's me, and I remember saying to you, almost as vivid as today is the day long, that I was like Sam, I hate going to networking events, which is funny because most people will say gosh, denise, you're usually the last person there and you are the most outgoing person. I don't like it. I don't like going. I go because it's a means to an end. I have to be willing to go because it's a means to the end. So what are you doing that limits yourself from the thing it is that you really want to accomplish? Because if you don't unblock, un-f yourself from those limitations, then are you really willing to win at the thing you say you want to win at?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean I think you're really right and I think we do this all the time and it sneaks up on us because, like we'll push ourselves a little bit and do something, and then we get comfortable, and then we are like, well, we're hanging out here and for some reason, I can't push past this next barrier or whatever it is. It's because there's you're not, you're not figuring out what that next level of a win looks like. Right, and he says, you know, you're, like it's not about fighting against or resisting, like those thoughts and those limits that we have, but rather changing direction and setting yourself new goals and outcomes. And I think that that's what people miss about goal setting all the time is that it's not ever done. It's always that, like this is for a short period of time, like I never.
Speaker 1:Like five-year plans are great and like it's great to have long-term vision, company visions are great and things like that.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, you need to have like a general sense of like where what you're trying to do, but you work in smaller sprints. You work in this month, the next third, the next 90 days, the next six months, and that's it right. Like you really can't work farther out because, like we learned in the last, but you don't know what's coming, you don't know what obstacles will pop up, what things will happen, where things will start to level and you're going to have to adjust and you're going to have to reset a goal. You're going to have to constantly look at your trajectory. That's why I like that atomic habits quote is my favorite and I think I say it like every other day. It's like you have to be concerned with your trajectory more than your results. Your results are telling you what's happened in your past trajectory and maybe where you're stalled. But like you've got to you have a bias for a win. You just have to make sure that, like you've got that win to find out enough and you know, in the right space and towards the right thing.
Speaker 2:So he has a tag on to what you're talking about as far as that. And he says your future is not the answer to your present. And so he's talking about relentlessly pursuing the goal. But if you look at your obstacles, if you look at your problems and see how your life will change, that's a coaching question, right, like how will your life be different if you change this? How will your life be different if you don't change this? He talks about when you're fit and healthy, like you want to be. How will your beliefs be different about yourself? What will your life look like? He says.
Speaker 2:I would warn against the idea that you'll suddenly be awesome. So it's sort of like the idea when people say, well, I'm going to just wait until I get married to blah blah blah, I'm going to wait till I buy a house to have blah blah blah, I'm going to wait till I have kids, till dah, dah, dah. I'm going to wait till my kids are grown up, till what are you waiting for? The time is really is now. And he says in here, which I circled, I underlined and I highlighted make the time to take your time. And that is actually the whole premise behind our show, and I know we're almost out of time speaking of time but the whole point of our show is that we literally I don't even know how many pages. This chapter was like 10, less than 10. We are trying to take the time to deep dive into these pages, to understand the application into our own lives, to talk it out loud with each other, and I know we've said this on past episodes as well that not only do we read the book independently, then we talk about the book together and record it, but we listen to our episode when it comes out. And I go back at that time and even say what did I miss? That I actually said out of my mind.
Speaker 2:It's like he says in this chapter have you ever driven down the road, gotten to somewhere, and think I don't even remember driving, I don't remember turning. It's probably bad to say that, but we all do it. It's that subconscious taking over. And so you can read a book by yourself, you could read a book summary, you could listen to books on tape, but if you do nothing with what you read, then it's only just words. And so when he says here, make the time to take your time, it's about really taking the ownership over your life. Un-f yourself and get out of your head. Get toward that thing you want to do and step out. He says at the end of the chapter you need to trust yourself. Give yourself fully to your vast capacity for victory. Set yourself the challenge of winning in new and exciting ways and demand your greatness of yourself and say I'm wired to win. And so it sort of just ends by saying here's the challenge to you. What are you wired to win for? Are you winning to lose?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, that's exactly it, right, Like that's that's it, and I love that. Right before he wraps up the chapter and like that last that, that last part you just quoted is the very, very end of the chapter, but I love right before it he reminds us that, like true understanding of yourself and your personal constraints like you were talking about, those limits allow for ever unfolding degrees of freedom and success. The more aware you become of your hardwiring, the more space and opportunity become available in those areas. Right, so the more you know yourself, like right, know yourself to grow yourself.
Speaker 1:Isn't that a quote? Like right, like, like you have to really understand where, like you have to look at yourself, you have to figure that out. This is why I love the disc assessment that you and I both do with clients and with people and things like that. Like it's, one of my favorite things is to sit there and to understand yourself. You know in a different way and really look. Because when you understand yourself, you create the space and the time, like you're saying, to go after those wins that you want. Go, give yourself the space for the wins that you really want, not the wins that you're just default getting right now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and this can feel super daunting, so I'm going to close with something positive, because this is possible. Otherwise the guy wouldn't have written a book and it wouldn't have become a bestseller. The positivity is he leaves a quote from Marcus Aurelius, who was a big time quoted philosopher, in the last book, the Obstacle is the Way, and he just so happens to talk in this quote that I'm gonna share now about something we spent an entire year on our podcast talking about, which is happiness, and he says that creating your game plan for life and he has it in this book says that the Marcus Aurelius quote is that the happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts. Therefore, guard accordingly and take that you entertain no notions unsuitable to virtue and reasonable nature, and I'm going to bet that we said that quote multiple times last year in our happiness journey. He's saying it here again that if you want a happier life and you want more fulfillment in your life, then you create a game plan, you get yourself a coach, you read good books, listen to our podcast, share it with others, maybe go back and listen to the episodes more than once and deep dive yourself.
Speaker 2:John Wooden Coach Wooden, by Pat Williams was in our first series two, three years ago. Gosh, has it been three years? Yeah, good good. John Wooden said drink deeply from good books so that you can learn how to change your circumstances.
Speaker 1:Yep, absolutely, absolutely, and, like I'm with you, it is completely possible. It sounds daunting, but I've done it, you've done it, I've seen you do it, I've seen other people do it. We've both helped people do it. It's not an insurmountable mountain. It's absolutely attainable. You just have to know that I am wired to win.
Speaker 2:I'm wired to win and guess what Next week? It's all about you got this, you got this. So I'm looking forward to that, because I want to figure out how to get what I got to get. I love it. Love it All right. Well, friends, if you've enjoyed our episode, we sure would appreciate if you would share it with others. That helps us as well to reach more people. If you don't have a copy of the book, we can certainly get you access to finding out how you can get a copy of this book so you can take your own journey. We want to thank Zach Elliott, who is our producer of the show. My name is Denise Russo and, on behalf of my friend, sam Powell, this has been another episode of what's on your Bookshelf.