What's on Your Bookshelf?
“What’s On Your Bookshelf” is a personal and professional growth podcast exploring the intersections of passion, potential, and purpose - featuring multi-certified coach and leadership development consultant Denise R. Russo alongside Sam Powell, Zach Elliott, Tom Schweizer, Dennis LaRue, and Michelle King.
What's on Your Bookshelf?
SP4 Special Edition Agile Brain: Lonely Hearts, Social Needs
We explore why inclusion, connection, and recognition are the social motives that make work and life feel meaningful, and how loneliness quietly harms health, teams, and trust. Stories from reality TV to school lunchrooms reveal why sincere care and specific praise beat trophies every time.
• inclusion as the base of belonging
• connection deepening care and trust
• sincere recognition versus programs
• grief as real social pain in the brain
• loneliness risks and health impacts
• layoffs, survivor guilt, and community
• social media comparison and FOMO
• caring leadership, burnout, and loyalty
• moving from self to service and purpose
Friends, get this book, The Emotionally Agile Brain by Dr. JD Pincus. You can get it wherever you like to purchase your books online.
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Welcome to a special edition of What's on Your Bookshelf with your host, Denise Russo.
SPEAKER_00:Hello, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of What's on Your Bookshelf. My name is Denise Russo. I'm here with my friend Dr. J.D. Pinkis. He's the author of the book The Emotionally Agile Brain, Mastering the 12 Emotional Needs That Drive Us. We are about halfway through this book in section number three, which is Motives of the Social World. I'm looking forward to being here with you to have this conversation today, JD.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and I'm glad to be back. Always good to see you, Denise.
SPEAKER_00:You as well. One of the things I really love about each of these chapters that I'm not sure if we talked about in a past episode is that you end um the sections with some reflection questions. So I hope that before we finish today, we'll be able to share some of that with the listeners. And so if you don't have a copy of this book yet, I highly encourage you to go to Amazon or are there other places as well, JD, that people can get the book?
SPEAKER_02:Sure. You can get it uh, you know, Barnes Noble, you can get it at uh uh The Publisher Bloomsbury, uh Bloomsbury.com. Uh so yeah, it's all it's it's lots of places.
SPEAKER_00:Awesome. And it's important to note that in our time together, we only have a very limited time to go through a lot of content. So I highly encourage you, if you're listening, to get a copy of the book so you can do a deep dive for yourself. I've often said on past episodes that one of the most profound things I learned from reading uh Coach Wooden by Pat Williams was that John Wooden learned at an early age from his father that one of the principles of success in life was to drink deeply from good books. It's my hope that we're able to share some of that together during our time today. I have definitely taken my own deep dive into these chapters, and there's no way we'll be able to get it all done in the short time that we have together, but I'm coveting this time and looking forward to discussing with you what it's like to not be alone in this world and to be able to express our emotions. You were sharing with me, JD, before we got started about the TV show Alone. So why don't we kick it off with that?
SPEAKER_02:Sure. Yeah, no, that's great. It's a it's a favorite example of mine because uh it's a really compelling show. It's basically, you know, you have these uh survivalists who go off into the wilderness, usually near the Arctic Circle, as winter's approaching. And the goal is to just stay there and be relatively healthy as long as you possibly can. I think now they have a minimum of like a hundred days you have to beat, and then it's like the person who is outlasts everyone at after that point. Um, the point is though, these are really, you know, skilled people. Um, it's incredible what they can do in terms of building shelters, getting food, everything else. Uh, and what you see unfold every single season is the sort of hierarchy of needs unfolding. So the first need is for safety. You know, there's some people who they get there and they freak out right away and they need to leave, and they are feeling psychologically unsafe. They'll see a bear or whatever, and like you know, that that's the end. Uh or they get injured and they have to go. Um, they then can experience sort of autonomy. You know, like I I can do this, you know, I have the skills, I have the the resources I need to do to build, you know, a great shelter, uh, to build fires, to be able to hunt and fish and do what I need to do. Uh there's then a bit of sort of authenticity that comes in and immersion, like they really get into it. They're spending you know, full time every day doing this. Um they can achieve sort of potential, they can achieve success. But the thing that stops a lot of people, like they get to a certain point where you know the sort of uh people who are shaky are gone, and now it's all like hardcore, you know, very skilled people. The thing that happens next is a social problem. So the people who have really close relationships, and and you can always tell this because they say there's a there's a cash prize of like half a million dollars if you win. The people who start off saying, I'm doing this for you know my kids, I'm doing this for my wife, I'm doing this for my husband, uh, they're the ones with like really close relationships. They're the ones who don't make it because they get to a certain point where they just miss people so much that it's sort of the aloneness of being alone, uh, they become incredibly lonely and they begin to say things like, uh, I've sort of proven that I can do this, I'm not sure why I'm you know missing this time with my family, I'm missing this time with my you know, parents or whatever it is, uh, and I I've proven what I need to prove and I'm gonna go home. Um the people who make it through that generally are people who don't have close relationships. They generally sort of live alone most of the time, or they're people who can subjugate that feeling and kind of say, you know what, I'm just gonna block that out and I'm gonna make it to the end. So uh I always think that's really interesting because it shows, you know, sort of the socio-emotional. It's like, why do we put those words together as if social is emotional and emotional is social? It's because it's such a powerful set of drives. Uh it it it and it can it can prevent you from getting a half million dollars pretty easily.
SPEAKER_00:So wow. So you say in the book that the foundational need for us is basic human connection, and that's what is called inclusion. But it sounds almost like if you don't have those connections, you can strive for these things that you might consider success. But I wonder for those people that maybe do make it, how fulfilling is it if you don't have connection? Because you have in the hierarchy, I guess, here, connection is uh comes after inclusion, right?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, exactly. Uh and and I think that that's an important point. It's like, yes, you may win the prize, but what have you won? Uh and and I have definitely gotten the sense from the people who who are sort of not very well connected socially, who do win this game. Uh when they win, it it does feel there's something a little bit empty about it. You know, when they chick check in on them later, you know, like they'll talk about how you know it it drove them some more business, you know, for their outdoor, you know, supply or you know, guide service. Um, but it is it's it's very kind of um material oriented, and there's really not a lot about who they're sharing the success with. And and uh in a sense, it's a little sad. It's sort of like they're sort of stunted. Um, and and in a sense, the people who gave up are probably living a much better life. So it it it's very bittersweet, I think.
SPEAKER_00:You have in the book around how this hierarchy starts with inclusion, followed by connection, and then followed by being appreciated or esteemed. And I was really stuck here, JD, because I felt like as I was thinking through my past career journey, connection for me has always been critical. It is the one component that makes going to work not feel like work. And I don't think that I was ever really the type of person that sought out public displays of appreciation, which I guess there's certain personalities that will need that and some that don't. But where I struggled a little bit is understanding why is connection not higher than esteem.
SPEAKER_02:Right. And and this is something that uh people get tripped up on all the time. And I think part of it is my fault through the use of the word recognition. Uh, I was trying to use a word that was that was you know generic enough to be able to encompass a lot of different things. Uh, some other words that might have been considered were you know, uh uh affirmation, validation, respect, um, honor, uh, that sort of thing. And the the key point I make right in the beginning of that chapter about recognition is that anything that the word unfortunately reminds people of recognition programs, which are almost the exact opposite of what my intention is. You know, anyone who seeks recognition, that you're seeking that, you know, the employee of the month parking space or the loose site trophy that says you're the star performer of the month, that is exactly the opposite of what I mean. What I mean is it's a natural consequence that you don't pursue intentionally. It's a natural consequence of good social behavior, of being a good team member, including other people, having caring relationships, and over many years of that and decades, people will uh accord you a certain respect and a certain reverence around you know you as a force and a person that's there for good. Uh it's not something you get trophies for. And if you do get trophies for it, it cheapens it and diminishes it, frankly. Uh so what I mean is sort of like becoming like the elder of the tribe. Uh it's it's not something that you, you know, you know, you you lobby for, you know. It's something you grow into.
SPEAKER_00:I love how you describe that because I have uh my kids have won, I don't know, numerous trophies for different things along the way. And they're all sitting in this dusty area on a on a shelf in the front of our house where the TVs are, where the TV's located. But in my office, the most coveted things that I have on my shelves are handwritten notes that I received from people that I care about. And when I look at them and I think about like decluttering my office space, those are the things that absolutely will never go because there's something that is about the connection or the relationship I had with people that's worth far more than plastic trophy.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, that's something I definitely struggled with in my own career. You know, I I did want trophies and awards, and I got them. I got lots of them. Um, you know, it was on the cover of magazines. I was, you know, and and like what I discovered from that is that it feels good for a moment and then it sort of feels embarrassing. You know, it's not, it's not fulfilling. It's not what it's about. And and you have to get you have to push through that and understand that that is absolutely not what life is about.
SPEAKER_00:I can't remember which uh award show it was, like some music award show, maybe it's a Grammys or American Music Awards or something like that. But often these same artists win all the awards all night long. And it does feel kind of diluted when they keep going up and they're like, Well, I don't have any more speeches to say because I already thanked everybody. And then you wonder, you go home with this big suitcase full of things, but how fulfilled really are you? And at the end of the day, we know from some of our past conversations together uh that the most successful people aren't finding their success in things. I I can't I continued since maybe two episodes ago to really dive deeply into thinking about in my own life how this dark horse theory impacts me. I think you even saw I wrote something about it on my LinkedIn recently, where I've been pondering about what things fill me up intrinsically and what things do I need to let go of, where there is this comparison to be the thief of joy, comparing myself or my career with others. And one of the things that struck me is that if you live your life without connection, but with comparison, you can become a very lonely person, even if you're around a lot of people.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, that's right. That's exactly right. And it brings up a thing, a point that Hannah Arendt, the philosopher, said about loneliness. That, you know, that actually it was even, I think around the same time, it was um, I think David Reisman who wrote the The Lonely Crowd in 1950. And he was sort of predicting that what we were doing as a society was basically ignoring our own internal standards and traditional standards and replacing them with external standards of basically social comparison, what you're talking about. And that that leads people into this sort of cycle of loneliness because you're thinking about your relationship with other people through this filter of material status. And and that basically is if somebody's doing better than you, you sort of find reasons to not like them or not want to spend time with them. And if you're doing better than someone else, you it's sort of like you feel somehow superior to them. And it's a cycle that just it just uh ruins relationships. Hannah Arendt's point was a more political point, and she said that basically that kind of state of loneliness that Reesman talked about is something that basically paves the way for totalian totalitarianism and authoritarianism. And it was, I can't believe she wrote this you know decades and decades ago, it was probably 50 years ago or more, and uh basically says that when people are lonely, they basically stop being able to trust uh what they hear. They become skeptical of everything, they become skeptical, even if their own experience, their own history, to the point where someone else can come along and tell them, you know, the reason you're miserable and lonely is because of this person or that group. And that is very comforting to them. Uh and people will grab onto it. And what we found in the research is about 25% of the population in Western societies is what I would consider dangerously lonely, like completely alone. Uh and about 25% also believes these crazy conspiracy theories of of all kinds. Uh, and I don't think it's a coincidence. I think uh, you know, it's like Hannah Rent said, one leads to the other.
SPEAKER_00:Well, and then you have the problem with social media, right? Where people spend all day long comparing themselves to what they see other people's little snippets saying, and you wonder how that person has the greatest life ever. Or I saw a post from a friend of mine went to elementary school the other day, and she just said, Stop complaining. Like if you're out here and all you ever do is post about some complaints, like get a life. I use it to, you know, experience joy and looking at my friends' kids growing up, or to be able to express something that I've done with my family. But um, I was this last week moving my son back to college for his final year in his undergrad. And there were some things that we were doing together that they didn't warrant the attention of people that I don't really care about. We just were in the moment and enjoying that level that you have for intimacy and then connection and then appreciation. And we left these experiences hoping that we'll be able to capture those memories. I was with my mom the day after I got back, and we were trying to think about some things that we experienced when I was my son's age. And she remembered things I didn't remember, and I remembered some things that she didn't remember. But there was this affectionate love for these conversations of the past while we were living together in the present and hopefully dreaming for things in the future. And so I'm curious when you think about these levels and what this chapter means about the social connections, where does grief live in this area?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, so grief is sort of uh the the dark side in a sense that if you if you lose a you know relationship, you know, either through people kind of uh falling out or a death or whatever, uh, you know, it's the the pain of the loss that you know this is such a big driver of people's behavior, and it's so important uh in terms of you know motivating people to do what they do, that a sort of you know, loss of that, like you know, tearing apart of that relationship is extremely painful, and it's painful, like it actually in the brain, it's it's the same part, the insula, that lights up when you have physical pain. Uh so it's it's it's no, you know, it's not just a psychological thing, it's it's a real pain, it has real consequences. And we think back to all the experiments, you know, the ones the Harlow experiments with the monkeys and and the unfortunate natural experiments that happened in uh you know the Romanian orphanages and even what happens to prisoners in America who get put in solitary confinement. What they see is that over time their brains physically shrink, like their hippocampus actually shrinks. And that is, you know, you talk about like the pain of the loss of a relationship. I mean, that's being forced on them. Uh, and and you see it actually causes physical changes in the brain. It basically changes how your memory works, it changes how your your your perception of self exists, your ability to connect to other people. Um, so it's not a minor thing. So grief is a normal reaction. Um, hopefully it it's something that that you know is relatively temporary in terms of its intensity. I think a lot of people who've experienced grief, though, will tell you that it doesn't really ever completely go away. It's just sort of its character changes. And I think that's normal. I think that's a sort of that's part of the experiences of life. You know, you you I guess to be completely free of grief would be you're you're sort of forgetting about that relationship entirely, which it would not be a healthy thing.
SPEAKER_00:So let's talk about this in terms of business because the next part of the chapter talks about inclusion. And there's a lot of people experiencing what I would call grief when they lose their job. Or if they're the people that didn't lose their job, but they're losing someone they really valued that did lose their job. There's sort of almost like this um sense for the people that were retained of feeling guilty that they didn't lose their job. And the people that lost their job miss the pieces of their work that they really loved, even if some of the work they didn't love. And that that's really hard for people right now because they not only are now having to pivot and look for a new job and reinvent themselves, but while also experiencing these deep emotions of loss.
SPEAKER_02:Sure, absolutely. I mean, uh job loss is could be very traumatic. Um depending on on how it happens and how long you've been there and what your relationships are like. Um, it reminds me of of one of the statistics that I saw in the chapter that was um you know one of the big drivers of engagement, the biggest one, according to Gallup, is whether you have a best friend at work. Right. Uh and so if you have a best friend at work, you tend to be really engaged. You can imagine if you have a best friend at work and you get you laid off or they do, that's really traumatic. You know, uh as it turns out, only 20% of the workforce agrees with that statement that I have a best friend at work. So if you even though it's like such a really important thing, it talks about the importance of the need for inclusion and making those connections and caring, uh, that that I'm surprised that more workplaces don't sort of foster that, you know, and encourage that uh instead of kind of you know putting people sort of in competition with each other because it does have real consequences. But if you lose that relationship, yeah, it's it's gonna knock you back because you've now not just lost your income and kind of taken a hit to your self-esteem, but now you've got to sort of um deal with the loss of those relationships and try as best you can to kind of stay in touch with them. And there's often some awkwardness around that because of the survivor's guilt, basically, of the people who are still there. And it can be rough, it can be very rough because I mean you're sort of dealing with a lot all at once, just sort of dumped on your lap. And uh yeah, that's very upsetting. Um, so yeah, it hits a lot of buttons.
SPEAKER_00:It's hard, it's hard. I was uh years ago, I just I told somebody this just about an hour ago on another call I was on, but years ago, uh one of my still best friends from college had said to me, you know, Denise, people come into your life for reasons and seasons. Some stay for a while, some don't, and you can't predict it, but you can enjoy the moments that you have. And I wish there was a way that we could help middle schoolers learn this because that's where you know the mean girls begin. And I recall even for myself, there was a time when I was in elementary school that all the kids played at the playground. All the kids played Little League or ice skating. I grew up in Western New York, so it was like the only two things do you go to the playground, play baseball, and go ice skating. It was all the kids. And then when you get to middle school, there becomes this separation, which is interesting because it's about inclusion. You know, the cool kids wanted to stay together, the band kids stayed together, the cheerleaders stayed together, and I'll never forget is like this is you're talking way more than 40 years ago for me, and I can remember it like it's today. That the kids that were were in this cool kid club, they were the kids that were in chorus, which now in hindsight I'm thinking, why was that the cool kids club? But, anyways, I wasn't in chorus, I was in the band. And these kids were selected for this play, it was a musical play. It was like a Chinese musical, it was the coolest play that I can remember we ever did in school, but I wasn't in that club anymore. And I remember one day going to lunch, and this is in junior high school, and they were all sitting together, and that particular day there was not an extra seat for me to sit. And I can remember the feeling, and I walked down this little hallway area to another table, and there was the table of these kids that nobody ever sat with. They were the island of misfit toy kids, and I know you'll bring up an example about that in a minute here, but that was that table. And that particular day, I sat there, and what I found was that that was actually kids that in elementary school I was friends with, that somehow when I got to middle school, there was this separation of groups, and I missed being with these people. And I just mentioned about the friend who said stop complaining on the internet. That person was at that table that day that I sat next to. And now, here, like I say, 40 years later, I'm still in touch with that person. And some of those other kids, you know, I might see them here or there with what they post online, but nothing like a really deep and intense appreciation for the relationship. And so it's interesting to think that sometimes maybe you have to be excluded to be included with others who were excluded and to be able to find that that group you belong to. We talked about some of our favorite Christmas shows being right around this. So why don't I pass it over to you to talk about this analogy?
SPEAKER_02:Sure. Yeah, I was wrong, the uh Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you know, from 1964, uh, and and uh Rankin Bass, you know, it's it's absolutely classic, you know, everybody loves the claymation, and it's fantastic. It's it's really uh one of my favorites. Um but when you look below the surface of that story, what is it really about? It's about a kid who has a birth defect that the parents try to conceal when it's revealed uh that basically the kid is excluded from everyone, but not just by peers, but at the sort of you know, direction of their coach. You know, we're not gonna play with him anymore, right? Right. You know, that that scene. And uh how he then goes off with the you know, Herbie the elf, who has also been basically kicked out of his group because he doesn't want to make toys, he wants to be a dentist, so they go off on their adventure, uh at the sort of danger of you know, risk of their lives, really, uh, but end up at this island of misfit toys where they realize that you know there's a community for them also. So it kind of has a happy ending. Um the the weird part of it is when they kind of go and look for Rudolph and bring him back because his you know mutation is helpful to them in terms of what they need to get done, and suddenly he's sort of appreciated and and honored as you know as a valued member of the group, but it's only because he could provide something that they otherwise couldn't do. Uh so uh not not crazy about that detail. Uh, but I do love the idea that that he kind of finds his group. And you see that hopefully in in high schools and middle schools, that even when you know the sort of cool kids kind of segregate themselves in a closed group, uh that there's still places for everybody to find their group. And it doesn't have to be, you know, like uh it's sort of interesting too in terms of um social media. Uh what they find on Facebook and Instagram is having a lot of connections is associated with sort of you know better sort of social relations, right? But the more time you spend on those apps, that's associated with less, with lower emotional well-being. So it's like going and scrolling through what other people are doing, the sort of social comparison aspect of it is very toxic. Uh, and I remember both my kids have said that they, you know, that one of the best things they ever did was to delete those apps. Because it's like, you know, they have very active social lives, but you don't need to be reminded of every single time somebody got together that you know that you weren't included. And that's basically what that does. It's sort of uh, you know, it's like a exclusion, you know, fear of missing out machine, you know, that basically uh is incredibly compelling, especially in middle school, where everything is about your sort of you know status and popularity. Uh and and what we see though is that actually using these apps is very really you know corrosive to your self-esteem.
SPEAKER_00:I wonder if that has to do with this baseline piece of the intimacy part, because I think of it like if I have a loved one who doesn't live where I live, I love seeing what they're doing and how they're living and the things they're experiencing. But I can see what you're saying as far as well, what if it's someone you have a surface level relationship with, and then you see them doing really awesome things, and now you might be thinking in jealousy or envy around, well, why does that person get to do this or that or the other thing? And oh, I I my life is so bad that now you compare yourself to their life. And so it seems like a double-edged sword because if we are lonely, why are we isolating?
SPEAKER_02:Right. Yeah, I know it's a good question. And and the truth is it's it's a paradox. Um, you know, it's like we have these like really like dangerous levels of loneliness in society. Uh the Surgeon General wanted to appoint a minister for loneliness. I think they did that in the UK. Uh and uh it's a serious issue. I think the statistic I saw was that three-quarters, 75% of Americans, particularly in the suburbs, don't know aren't friends with any of their neighbors. And more than half don't want to be. It's like so we have this sort of crisis of loneliness and isolation, but there's also an unwillingness to break through, you know, to kind of do the like semi-uncomfortable things to kind of begin to form those relationships, actually have people over, you know, for dinner or barbecue, um, you know, attend group meetings of whatever you're you know you're interested in. Uh all of those statistics are way down. Like I think attendance of of those kinds of uh social groups is like down by something like 60% over the last few years. Uh, you know, having people over to your house is down by like 35%. This was in um Robert Putnam's bowling alone book. He kind of documents the sort of fraying of social connection uh in America. And yeah, uh it's the the benefits are worth the discomfort of kind of re-engaging with people. Um, but it I guess it's just not easy for a lot of people.
SPEAKER_00:I wonder if it's because we let ourselves get so busy because you're no longer kind of like this 1960s family where you know maybe the mom has a part-time job and she makes fresh baked cookies every day and homemade meals, and you sit on your front porch because you're not scared to not lock the door. Yeah, I that was only one generation ago when we were young and growing up to where anybody could walk in at any time. In 2009, my house was destroyed in a FEMA flood. And uh I didn't know my neighbors. I did it, I was that person. But that experience brought everybody outside because everything we owned had to be put on our front yards for dumpsters to take away. And that's how we met our neighbors. And there's a couple neighbors now that we still stay in touch with. And when I say that, like we had to move because the houses were unlivable and we didn't meet our neighbors till the day we had to evacuate. And it's it was sad. And we'd had this discussion together with the neighbors a few times around why did we, why did it take a disaster to come together? And yet, here I'm sitting here talking to you right now. I'm looking out my window and thinking, I don't know their name or their name or their name. Uh my husband's the opposite. He's like Mr. Extrovert. He becomes friends with the Uber drivers. He becomes friends with people that are the checkout cashiers at the grocery store. So he knows everybody. But I get huddled up in front of this screen because most of my day is doing like what we're doing now. And then you get tired at the end of the day. And you don't want to go out and have conversations. And I always joke with my kids, JD, like I could be standing in line right up against the person in front of me. And inevitably somebody will be like, oh, excuse me, and have to cut through between me and the person in front of me. No matter where I am, it happens everywhere I go. Or I'll be at Disney World. I have no name tag on. I look like a tourist. And people come up to me and ask me questions like, Do you know where this ride is? Or where's the bathroom? And I always joke about it just because I think it's funny that there must be some sort of flashing, invisible light over my head that says, ask me questions, even if I have headphones on and my head is down.
SPEAKER_02:That's probably a good thing. You know, people are comfortable approaching you, which is great. You know, that's that's uh you've got an advantage there. Uh I think a lot of people don't have that. And and I think uh it's definitely easier to kind of um go with a sort of default setting, which is you know, I know who I know, and I'm not, you know, I'm not interested in meeting new people and you know, being a little bit kind of you know closed off. I think that's sort of become like a cultural thing. Like that that's that's sort of, you know, the cool people do that. They're sort of, you know, they're they've got their earbuds in and they're looking at their screen and they're focused, and they're not like nobody's talking to anybody anymore. Uh and uh, you know, we and the other thing that Jonathan Height pointed out is that the sort of you know, fearful parenting of like having your, you know, not having your kids out of your sight ever. Uh, and you know, he has this sort of thought experiment of like if you think back on like what some of the highlights of your childhood, you know, parents were never there, you know. It was always like time you spent alone. But uh something happened in the intervening years between social media and the sort of rise of like sort of scary television, like Dateline and and Redditors and you know, America's Most Wanted, that all of a sudden the world seemed very dangerous, you know, and and that we felt much more comfortable having our kids locked up in their bedroom online than we did having them running through the neighborhood. Uh, and he basically documents just how damaging that's been.
SPEAKER_00:You tell some really scary and staggering statistics in the book about loneliness. And I know we're almost out of time, so I want to try to get to some other parts here, but I think it's important to note this because you may be listening and this is sounding like you. And so, JD, you talk about in the book about these analyses and research studies that say 70 different studies shared that people who are lonely have a 26% higher risk of dying at any given age, which rises to 32% if you live alone, and that if you have loneliness, your body feels these stressors. You have lack of control, lack of sleep, higher rates of anxiety, depression, substance abuse, loneliness also is associated with physical ailments like heart disease, cancer, cognitive decline, premature death. Those should be warning signs that say come out from behind your screen, go meet people, do things even if it's scary.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and and do it even if it's uncomfortable, even if it's it's even if it's somewhat painful for you, uh, it's worth it. Uh I I remember even once in terms of the statistics, like living alone used to be very rare in terms of like, you know, a household composition type. Now it's the second largest type in the US. It's something like 28%. In the EU, it's 34%. In cities in the US, it's 40%. In Manhattan, it's 66%. Two-thirds of homes there have one person living in them. And yeah, like you said, 32% higher likelihood of dying at every age. And the reason that happens is that basically we go into like a self-destruct mode. We're social creatures, we sort of need other people to sort of thrive and and be emotionally well. And without that, we begin to uh shut down. And the you know, inflammation increases, uh, cancer can metastasize more easily, um, you know, immune functioning decreases. Uh then so the consequences are real and serious. And uh you know, this is not uh not a joking matter. It's not not you know that this actually is something people really need to do for their health.
SPEAKER_00:You talk about this as well as we pivot into the next part of the book, which is about caring. And so if we just talk about that from the perspective of business, you mentioned that in loneliness it has uh markers of absenteeism, loss of productivity, things of that sort. But as you pivot into talking about caring, which is around feeling that connection, I guess, you talk about how there are strong associations with things like feeling burnt out, being emotionally distant. Uh, if you have an emotionally distant manager and you don't feel cared for, or that you feel disconnected from your coworkers, or you feel like your employer is unconcerned about your own well-being. And so it almost seems as well that you may be good at something and you're going for a job that you're talented in. But if you're not surrounded by a culture of caring and a culture of people that resonate with your style, that it doesn't matter how much money you make or the title you have or the work you do, if you're not surrounded with these emotional social pieces, you aren't going to not only be satisfied but successful in your job.
SPEAKER_02:Right, exactly. And I think that's probably one of the dimensions that differentiates different uh companies' cultures maybe the most, is the ones where you feel like the employees feel like the place cares about them and has their best interests in mind, uh, and ones that think that you know you're cogs in the machine and you're replaceable, and uh, you know, you're you're useful only as long as you're you know sort of a top performer. And I I've worked in both places, and it's it's it's unmistakable the difference. Uh, you know, you there's no question about it. And interestingly, you tend to get paid more at the ones that are more toxic because they know that that they're not keeping you around for long, potentially, and that it's all about burnout, it's about getting the most out of you and then sending you on your way. So uh yeah, I mean it's it's a really serious issue. And if you want people to be engaged, you want people to be loyal, you want them to be to retain longer, to kind of actually become experts in the things they're supposed to be doing, you better show that you care about them. You know, if you don't show that you care about them, they're only gonna be half paying attention. They're only they're gonna be looking for the next opportunity the entire time because they know you have no loyalty to them, you know, and why should they have loyalty to you? So it's reciprocal, like the entire social domain you have to give in order to receive. So employers really need to heed that lesson.
SPEAKER_00:That actually goes into this last part, and I don't want to skip it before we're done for today, and it's about recognition. I had a client not long ago who was a stellar high potential performer, was being put into high potential leadership programs, was being given resources and opportunity, but they didn't feel appreciated and they didn't feel recognized for the work they were doing. And I remember having a conversation with my client around how they were considering literally leaving that role to go to another company for less pay because they felt like they would be appreciated and recognized better than in this company that, for all intents and purposes, was showing recognition through things like putting them through a program or giving them resources, but never just saying, you know, hey, good job on such and such so-and-so, and giving real feedback, not just saying good job, but with some tangible content.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, exactly. And I think that's that's one of those things where it's done wrong much more often than it's done right in terms of how we recognize people. I think the the impact of just a sincere compliment, a sincere thank you, you know, sincere, you know, sincerity is the heart of it. It's it has to be that I know that you know that you're good at this and that you've done an amazing job, and that I recognize that, and I'm gonna say that to you. It requires all of that. It can't be false praise, it can't be the sort of, you know, uh, you know, participation trophies for everyone, you know, that sort of um I remember this used to drive my kids crazy, that sort of excessive praise delivered in the teacher voice, you know, that's sort of like, you did a great job. You know, it's not real. They know it's not real. They have very advanced like BS detectors, and they it you'd be you're actually hurting their self-esteem when you do that, and you're also diminishing your credibility. So uh yeah, it sincerity is everything. Like it's gotta be something that they really are good at, and not just in a relative sense. They're actually absolutely very good at it. They know they're really good at it, they can demonstrate that they're really good at it, and you're recognizing that, you're you're acknowledging that. And when those things come together, it is it's like magic. It's like then you can get people to do things that uh, you know, practically work for free because that those rewards are more important to people than whatever the salary and benefits, that stuff's obviously important. But it's sort of a it's a baseline. It's like, oh, that's what got you in the door. But now what's going to keep you there is gonna be, you know, that sort of emotional rewards that are much more significant.
SPEAKER_00:100%. You end this section by saying that it's a healthy thing that we admire those who create value for others, which encourages more people to do more of it, creating a virtuous cycle. There's a really great book by John Maxwell called Intentional Living, and it walks through ways that you can uh practice living with intention. And the first time I read the book, my kids, I think, were either just entering middle school or so, and we decided for one of the chapters that was about showing your intention to others that we basically, well, there were two exercises. First, you'd show intention for yourself, then for those closest to you, and then for people you don't know, kind of a thing. And so I remember we did this exercise together where we wrote each other these love notes, but the per but when we gave it to the person, we we sat together, it was me and my two kids, and or my two kids and I, we read the letters out loud to the person. And I remember that this is a long time ago that it happened, but I can remember that day where we were sitting, what it looked like, how we felt. There was just something about feeling valued, but the flip side was sharing the value and watching the person that you love so much embracing what you say, think, and do for them is just magical. I'm always the person that loves to buy all the Christmas presents, more so than get them, and anticipating how fun it'll be to watch people open presents. I take a lot of care into things like that and what I buy. Uh, and not that you can buy somebody's love, but it's about that feeling you get when you know that you've brought joy to someone. And so if we feel this or know this about this social section on emotions, then why are we not giving more of ourselves away?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, I mean, it's an excellent question. And it's really it's the key to growth ultimately. It's it's it this that's the sort of movement across this framework, going from the self to the material, the material to the social, and the social to the spiritual. It all has to do with caring less about your needs and more focus on the world around you, the other people in it, and then the principle. And I think that John Maxwell uh comment is exactly on point. It's sort of going from you know, your focus on you, your focus on other people that you know, to sort of people you don't know. And that's sort of taking it from kin, basically, and relationships you have to the principle of it. And that that is the sort of evolution that you know uh unfortunately not enough people go through. A lot of people get stuck at me, you know, me and my material objects. Um, but every philosopher, you know, worth his salt, and every you know, psychologist uh, you know, basically in some way or other makes this point that it's about sort of decentering, it's sort of becoming less about me and more about you know the world, the people, the animals, and the principle there's this great uh group called Switchfoot.
SPEAKER_00:It's sort of like a rock band or a crossover band. And there's the lyrics to one of their songs that basically says, we were meant to live for so much more, but we lost ourselves. And next week or next time we get together, we're gonna be talking about the motives of the spiritual world and this thing that's beyond ourselves. So why don't you give us a little sneak peek into what people will experience when they're with us the next time?
SPEAKER_02:Sure. So it's sort of uh where we've been going, right? Is it's this decentering process that now moves you out of the social domain, which is all about, you know, relationships with people you know, you know, and and showing care for them and having good relations with them and keeping those relationships thriving and then being seen as a good person as a result of that. Uh now we're getting into the principle of it. So now it's like the the big difference I like to emphasize is we're talking about strangers now. We're talking about how do you feel about how strangers are treated? And that's where justice comes in, ethics and purpose. That is now no longer about me. It's not even about people I know. It's not even about my group anymore. Now we're talking about the principle. So are people being treated fairly? Are animals being treated fairly? Is our planet being treated fairly? Are we treating ourselves fairly? All of those things. That's sort of the justice piece of it. You know, is there equity? Umce we have equity, um, once we have a basically fair system, we can start to think about ethics. And ethics basically has to do with restraining self-interest. So uh what's unethical? Unethical uh practices of a business, for instance, would be exaggerating claims about what their product can do, uh, you know, hiding the real pricing and making it difficult to compare. Uh, you know, these are all things that companies do in order to basically protect their self-interest at the expense of the consumer. So that's that's just a way of kind of thinking about it in that commercial sense. Of course, governments can be unethical, uh, you know, any kind of institution can be unethical, uh, any kind of person can be unethical or ethical. Um and then once we have the sort of two layers already set, like we have a basically fair system, we're behaving in a system that basically we think is generally ethical, that's our first opportunity to start thinking about our higher purpose. And it's a point I always like to come back to when people say, well, well, I want to define my purpose now, even though I'm aware that I'm in an unjust system that's unethical. Uh and and I I will make the point that every theologian ever has made, which is that there is no going to your higher purpose until you've dealt with the parts of your life that are unjust and unethical. That it's just an empty gesture, otherwise. And every one of the prophets in you know the Old Testament has said this, and everyone since that time, it's in the New Testament as well, uh, and it's it's ubiquitous. And every theologian, you know, Martin Luther King said it, Thomas Aquinas said it, Maimonides said it. It's it's you have to, you cannot get to that transcendent, you know, getting close to God. God doesn't want you close to him or her uh unless you have already done the work, you know, you've that you've already addressed the injustice and the lack of ethics. Once you've done those things, you should have done the spiritual preparation for that transcendent purpose. So uh that's why I connect those things together. And there's plenty of traditions that that make that argument. So I don't feel so alone making it.
SPEAKER_00:Well, and this book is about mastering the 12 emotional needs that drive us. I don't know if I'm gonna go away from this being able to feel like I've mastered them, but I certainly feel like so far I'm evolving through them. JD, thank you so much for the value that you give to us each episode for this book that you've written with so much care and compassion and concern for the emotionally agile brain. It's always wonderful to be here with you. Friends, get this book, The Emotionally Agile Brain by Dr. JD Pincus. You can get it wherever you like to purchase your books online. And we hope that you'll join us again next week for another episode of What's on Your Bookshelf.